Report From the Field

Following is the field report of the mission conducted by the special operations team code named "Funky Bunch".  [Command Notation:  Portions of this report have been redacted by the UNSC for security purposes.]

On Monday April 4th 2556, at 09:00 hours Standard Galactic Time, a two man squad consisting of Captain D.  Stoker and myself, Brigadier General J. Ssyba boarded the terrorist vessel Overwrought Shipmoniker which was orbiting the planet [REDACTED] in the Sol System.  Our objective was to [REDACTED], as well as to eliminate any enemy soldiers we came into contact with.

An hour earlier, 08:00 hours, a larger strike team was sent ahead of us as a diversion.  According to the pre-mission briefing, we were to have no contact with the diversionary team and it would be unlikely if we even saw them during the course of our mission.

First contact with the enemy came at 09:10 in the cargo bay of the Overwrought where Captain Stoker dispatched of a patrolling guard with a blow to the head.  The following is transcribed from the audio log recorded by the Funky Bunch's battle armor.

Stoker:  Oh my God!  Did you see that?
Ssyba:  Yeah.  Guy dropped like a sack of shit.
Stoker:  Should we hide him or something?
Ssyba:  From what?  I think he's the only guy down here, and it's a room full of boxes.  He's already hidden as far as I'm concerned.

At 09:17 the body was discovered and the terrorist ship was put on alert.

Ssyba:  Huh.  You think that's us?
Stoker:  Nah.  Probably the guys they sent ahead of us.

At 09:24 we arrived in the ship's hanger and began to sabotage the many small fighter and transport crafts contained within.  This was not part of our stated goal, but I noticed that we were running ahead of schedule and Stoker and I agreed that this was a productive use of our time.  

Stoker:  What I don't understand is, why the code name.  Why "Funky Bunch"?
Ssyba:  Because all the names like "Delta Squad" and "Bravo Team" have been used and re-used so many times.  So Command has started using hip-hop groups from the late 1900's.
(Metal breaking, wires being cut.)
Stoker:  That makes sense.
Ssyba:  Totally.  I think the diversionary team they sent on this mission is called the "Sugarhill Gang".
Stoker:  Hm.  So I guess they'll be kicking it live from 9 to 5, then.
(A pause lasting exactly 30 seconds.)
Ssyba:  I don't get it.
Stoker:  Nevermind.

At this point, we were contacted by Command who had, contrary to my knowledge or will, been monitoring our conversation.

Command:  Funky Bunch!  This is Command.  Report mission progress!
Ssyba:  Shit!  You scared me!
Command:  I don't copy.  What's that Brigadier?
Ssyba:  Nothing.  Uh, we're fine.  Everything's good.
(Pause.)
Ssyba:  How are you?
Command:  Report on the mission.
Ssyba:  We're on schedule.  We should be within range of the objective in about twenty minutes.
Command:  Ah.  Good.  Command out.

After completing our self-assigned task of sabotage, we found a passage way leading to the ship's mess hall.  We had our second encounter with the enemy, three out-of-armor soldiers who I terminated with pistol shots to the head and chest.

Stoker:  Dude!  They were eating!
Ssyba:  So?  Command said kill everyone.
Stoker:  Speaking of Command, did the Command Operator sound a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger to you?
Ssyba:  I don't know.  A little bit, I guess.
Stoker:  He totally did.  Hey, they were having turkey!  Let's rob this place.  You know, while we're shooting unarmored soldiers and all.
Ssyba:  Oh, come on-
Command:  Funky Bunch!  Get your puny minds back on task!  NOW!
(Pause.)
Stoker:  Fucking Arnold, dude.

At 09:45, we reached a large room somewhere near the middle of the ship that was a nexus of bridges leading in all different directions.  From here we could see the Sugarhill Gang engaging in a skirmish with a squad of terrorist soldiers at the other end of the room.  We were not seen by either group so we decided to observe briefly.  

At 09:48 we noticed a high ranking terrorist leader wearing highly modified battle armor.

Stoker:  Jesus.  Is that guy wearing enough gear?
Ssyba:  Right?  Look at that.  How does he even fit through the doors in this place?
Stoker:  He's got two knives.  Two!  How often does this guy stab people?

At 09:55 the Sugarhill Gang went into retreat and the heavily armored officer ordered his squad into pursuit, though he did not accompany them himself.

Down the next corridor we made hard contact with a squad of 4 enemy soldiers.  Outnumbered, we took cover behind some sturdy storage containers.  From here, I explained a quick but complicated maneuver that I learned from my time on [REDACTED].  It was low risk and had a high chance for success in a situation like this.  However, Stoker charged out from cover before I could finish explaining.  Yelling "Funky Bunch" as a battle cry, he dove into the enemy.  To his credit, they did appear momentarily startled, but the 4 of them ended up beating him into submission with the butts of their rifles.  

Stoker was incapacitated at 10:12 and his suit locked itself to prevent further damage to itself or him.  Unable to induce further harm on Stoker, one of the terrorists began performing a kind of dipping motion on top of Stoker's motionless body.  I would describe it as some sort of victory dance/furious dry humping.

I eliminated all 4 of the hostiles with a well placed grenade and some rifle fire.  I then drug Stoker into a storage closet and overrode his armor's safety lock.  After a few seconds, the suit's medical systems kicked in and Stoker recovered fully.

Stoker:  Please don't put what just happened in your field report.
Ssyba:  I won't.

I did.

Stoker:  And please, PLEASE erase your suit's video memory of that after the mission.
Ssyba:  Don't worry.  It'd be too much of a hassle to save it.

I have included a video of the skirmish with this report.  I have also uploaded it to the archives.  [Command Notation:  This video has been declassified and released onto the public server.]

We reached our objective at 10:26 and began [REDACTED].  However, we were interrupted by the heavily armored terrorist officer mentioned earlier.  He would of gotten the drop on us, but the shoulders of his suit scrapped against the frame of the door as he entered the room, so we were able to take cover well before he opened fire with his shotgun.  We returned fire, but it had little effect.  While his armor's energy shield flickered and died as quickly as the shields on most armors, our bullets were unable to penetrate the bulky metal.

Ssyba:  This is bullshit.  That guy is wearing a sports utility vehicle.
Stoker:  I think he's out of bullets.  He threw down his gun.

I stood from cover to get a better view and was struck on the left side of my body, near the kidney, by 1 of the officer's 2 knives which was hurled at me from across the room.  The knife bore through my energy shield and into my body.  I fell back into cover.

Ssyba:  Yes.  He is out of bullets.

My suit's medical systems kicked in.  However, the last time I'd worn my armor was during spring break and I had intentionally replaced my suit's various medicinal fluids with a combination of Kahlua and [REDACTED], so it did very little to heal my injury.  However, I did feel a lot better in a short amount of time.

Stoker sprang from cover and dodged the second knife.  He engaged the officer in hand to hand combat and was sent flying back into the cover against his own volition.  

Stoker:  Ow.  Oh my GOD that hurt.  That hurt so much.  That was the worst.  Ssyba, help me.
Ssyba:  (Hiccup.)  This guy is an asshole!  You hear that?!  You sir are an asshole!
Stoker:  What is wrong with you?  Get up and help me!

The officer picked up Stoker, headbutted him, and tossed him to the ground.  

Noted in Captain Stoker's record is that he is prone to fits of rage.  Recovering from the headbutt, he stood and addressed our adversary.  

Stoker:  You son of a bitch!  I think you broke my nose!  I am going to [REDACTED] you in the [REDACTED] with my [REDACTED] [REDACTED].  [REDACTED], and if there's any left in there, I'm going to make you drink it!

Given that the officer was covered head to toe in extremely thick battle armor, and that I was almost certainly drunk at the time, it would be impossible to say for sure, but I am willing to go on record as saying that Stoker's threat visibly terrified the officer, who charged Stoker anyway.

Believing myself to be recovered from my injury, and being sobered up by Stoker's creative wordplay, I joined him in the fight and defeated our foe in an impressive display of acrobatics and close quarters combat, the likes of which I'm sure have not been seen in the UNSC before this mission.

[Command Notation:  Footage taken from the Funky Bunch's armor show Captain Stoker curled up in the fetal position, Brigadier Ssyba stumbling around in confusion, and the unnamed enemy officer tripping and snapping his neck under the immense weight of his own armor.  However, this could be a discrepancy caused by damage sustained during the fight.  Brigadier Ssyba's account will be entered into the record for the sake of brevity.]

At 10:40 we completed our mission and planed to extricate ourselves aboard a small transport vessel in the ship's hanger.  This required us to sprint back, as we were behind schedule for reasons that I could not recall.

Stoker:  I feel like we had more time than this.
Ssyba:  (Heavy breathing.)  Yeah.  I don't... Know... What... (Panting.)
Stoker:  Woah, wait.  Stop.
(Both stop running.)
Stoker:  Are you okay?  You have just been stabbed.  Do you need me to help you.
Ssyba:  (Gasping for air.)  No.  I'm fine.  I'm in fantastic shape.  This is nothing.
Stoker:  "Fantastic shape?"  You've just been stabbed.  You're not in good enough shape for that.
Ssyba:  Like hell I'm not.  I ride my bike to and from the office every day.
Stoker:  That's impossible.  The office is a space station.
Ssyba:  Yeah.  It's a LONG ride.  I'm in GREAT shape.  Keep moving.

[Command Notation:  Brigadier General Ssyba almost bled out on the transport to the hospital shortly after the mission.  He is not in great shape.]

We reached the hanger shortly thereafter and commandeered a transport.  However, it had been sabotaged by us earlier in the mission and suffered engine failure almost immediately after takeoff.  

At 11:03 we were forced to crash land on the surface of [REDACTED].  The electromagnetic field there interfered with our long range communications and we were unable to radio Command for help.  

Stoker:  It's really dark here.
Ssyba:  I think we are going to die.
Stoker:  What's that sound?  Is that the Devil?  That sounded like the Devil.
Ssyba:  We are in space.
Stoker:  Fuck you!  It's the Space Devil then!
Ssyba:  I'm scared.
Stoker:  Me too.

The next 7 hours are irrelevant and shall not be entered into the record.

[Command Notation:  A search party consisting of the surviving members of the Sugarhill Gang found Captain Stoker and Brigadier Ssyba huddled together "for warmth."  It should be noted that both of their suits contain a localized atmosphere with an adjustable climate and temperature.]

Captain Stoker and I were recovered by the Sugarhill Gang at 17:44 and we were debriefed aboard the UNSC cruiser Good Vibrations at 19:00.

End of report.