The-Cottler

What Success Tastes Like

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Why I Have a New Gun by The-Cottler, literature

Literature

Why I Have a New Gun

My town's one redeeming quality is that it's quiet. It's a small place, so trouble usually sorts itself out. We have like, two cops, but they're mostly just here for show. I'm starting to suspect that some of the cop cars around here aren't functioning either. Like the cops just park them around to discourage teenagers from littering, or whatever teenagers do. Anyway, in a town so peaceful there are only two places worth being. My house and the local gas station. Micheal and I were not at my house. "Should I get Mountain Dew or Mountain Dew Throwback?" My black friend Micheal asked while weighing a bottle of each dr

Why I Still Don't Have A Job by The-Cottler, literature

Literature

Why I Still Don't Have A Job

It'd been a long time since my last job interview. I wasn't nervous however. A job interview is just another kind of business meeting after all, and I am all about giving people the business. No, if my resolve was shaken at all it was because the all night pogo stick contest I had just competed in against the mayor of my town had dislocated a vertebrate in my spine, causing my right fist to occasionally swing forward involuntarily. I'm sure that the involuntary fist swinging thing, just like the random pogo stick contest, won't have any bearing on the rest of the narrative.

Report From the Field by The-Cottler, literature

Literature

Report From the Field

Following is the field report of the mission conducted by the special operations team code named "Funky Bunch". [Command Notation: Portions of this report have been redacted by the UNSC for security purposes.] On Monday April 4th 2556, at 09:00 hours Standard Galactic Time, a two man squad consisting of Captain D. Stoker and myself, Brigadier General J. Ssyba boarded the terrorist vessel Overwrought Shipmoniker which was orbiting the planet [REDACTED] in the Sol System. Our objective was to [REDACTED], as well as to eliminate any enemy soldiers we came into contact with. An hour earlier, 08:00 hou

The Time I Quit Drinking by The-Cottler, literature

Literature

The Time I Quit Drinking

The music was classier than I would of liked, and the whole theme of the party seemed to be "upper-class white people," but there was an open bar and the woman I was talking to now was better looking than the one I came in with, so there was no use complaining. I don't remember who was running the show or why. I think it was a charity event hosted by some senator. It probably wasn't the best place I could be that night, but that's what I get for deciding which party to go to by throwing darts at all of my invitations. "Bring us a couple of rum and cokes," I

Why I Don't Have the Internet by The-Cottler, literature

Literature

Why I Don't Have the Internet

The air was thick with the stench of the dead. The cavernous dungeon rumbled with the combined groans of an unholy army. Torchlight did little more than reveal fog as far as the eye could see. If dread and terror were old people, this is where they were spending their retirement, their days heavy with anticipation of a time they would receive visitors to unleash their foul torments onto. Sword in hand, I walked gingerly in a line of other adventurers. We kept single file with me second in line behind the largest in our party, a great minotaur like hero who had proven

Lost With Bear Grylls by The-Cottler, literature

Literature

Lost With Bear Grylls

I started that morning like any other, at 2:30 in the afternoon and as uncomfortable as I'd ever been. Without opening my eyes, I reached for my bottle of Jager. Where it should have been, I felt dirt and twigs. After some more blind groping, I came up with a handful of snake. Opening my eyes, I looked the hissing creature in the face then let out a girlish whelp manly bellow of anger. I tossed the snake and rubbed my eyes. I was not in my bed, or indeed anywhere indoors. Looking up, I could see a forest above my he

The Doctor is In: Part Two by The-Cottler, literature

Literature

The Doctor is In: Part Two

After mounting his very fake, but still very convincing doctorate onto his bedroom wall, Albert took another trip to the hospital. There, he waded around supply closets until he found all of the things he needed and a box to put them in. However, he realized that it wouldn't be so easy to carry all of these things out of the hospital when someone saw him coming out of a supply closet on the first floor. When the nurse asked who he was, he claimed to be the new janitor, "just checking all of the rooms before I change into my jumpsuit and get to work."

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Why I Have a New Gun by The-Cottler, literature

Literature

Why I Have a New Gun

Why I Still Don't Have A Job by The-Cottler, literature

Literature

Why I Still Don't Have A Job

Report From the Field by The-Cottler, literature

Literature

Report From the Field

The Time I Quit Drinking by The-Cottler, literature

Literature

The Time I Quit Drinking

Why I Don't Have the Internet by The-Cottler, literature

Literature

Why I Don't Have the Internet

Lost With Bear Grylls by The-Cottler, literature

Literature

Lost With Bear Grylls

The Doctor is In: Part Two by The-Cottler, literature

Literature

The Doctor is In: Part Two

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About The-Cottler

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Artist

United States
Deviant for 14 years
He / Him

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My Bio

I am a good person. People like me.

Current Residence: The Command Center
Favourite genre of music: Anything that doesn't mention tractors
Favourite cartoon character: Me

Favourite Movies

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Favourite Bands / Musical Artists

Breaking Benjamin

Favourite Writers

Douglas Adams, Max Brooks, Lawrence Block

Favourite Games

Half-Life (1, 2, et al), Mass Effect (1&2)

Favourite Gaming Platform

Other Interests

Video games, movies, the teevee, etc.

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The-Cottler

Feb 14, 2012

Valentine's Day

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Sure.  Why not?

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The-Cottler

Feb 14, 2012

Valentine's Day

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Sure.  Why not?

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The-Cottler

Jul 18, 2011

This Day

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I mean, this fucking day. The past week has been unkind to me, much in the same way that hurricanes are unkind to beach front property.  I've spent much of today going between angry and depressed.  It's not unfamiliar, but it is unwelcomed.  I'd rather be content like I was last week, and if anyone were around to see me I'd mention that I feel shitty and spend the rest of the night pretending to be happy.  Fake it 'till you make it and all that.  See that smiley face with the balloons up in the mood box?  That's me overcompensating. I did manage to cheer myself up though.  It wasn't hard, I simply reminded myself that I'm living in the futu